For the past several weeks, I’ve tried to write the story of how I went from a self-diagnosed person with autism to one formally diagnosed countless times. Truth be told, I keep running into various mental blocks but if you are reading this, hey we must have got there to some degree!

It’s no secret, burnout is a pretty common phenomenon within the nanny industry. As caregivers we really tend to give our all. We work long hours and we often become physically and mentally overexerted.

But trust me when I say the burnout I was experiencing in 2023 was different. My nervous system was in a constant state of emergency from chronic sensory overload and perpetual masking. I knew I had to get professional help, or I wouldn’t be able to do much of anything, let alone the work I love to do.

It took longer than it probably should have for me to find the right psychologist. I’m a particular person in many ways and I’m not very trusting. I researched both local and tele-health options for months. In the end I went with someone local who had been practicing thirty years. She had good reviews - “compassionate” and “unrivaled”.

I went out on a limb, and I showed up to my first appointment completely “unmasked”. By the end of that appointment, I felt a sense of relief so great that afterward I wept uncontrollably. I had found the right person; I was free of judgment and safe.

My therapist wanted to start the Autism assessment process and at first, I felt somewhat hesitant. I was already almost certain about the outcome and so I weighed whether a formal diagnosis was necessary, but in end I decided to proceed with the assessment knowing that I would be able to gain more knowledge and understanding.

The assessment itself was grueling. There were interview style questions - speaking on things that have been extremely difficult for me all my life but then also those difficulties had to be observed in action. I hate failure. I take it hard. Imagine having to take several tests you know you will fail. There were points I could tell she was surprised when I couldn’t properly complete a task or answer a question as it should be answered, but during this process she did an excellent job of reassuring me that these tests don’t really measure capability. In the real world we often use workarounds or don’t need to use certain skills at all. Nevertheless, it was incredibly humbling.

Right before I received my diagnosis, I left the most demanding position of my career. I take my NCS/Nanny NDAs very seriously so in only so many words can I describe the circumstances that led up to me choosing to leave the position I had been at for 15 months… but I will say that the physical and mental load was enormous, and it would have been impossible for me to regulate my nervous system if I stayed. My overall health was deteriorating, so I chose myself.

Only a few days passed between my last working week and receiving my diagnosis report. I was indeed on the Autism spectrum, my diagnosis: ASD (level 1). My therapist and I went line for line together, tackling every question I had about the compilation of assessment results. One thing I found interesting was that I didn’t have comorbid ADHD, which I was also assessed for. But nothing else in my report was a major surprise. It was validating to know there were good reasons I couldn’t help myself in ways other people are able to help themselves. I know now why it was difficult for others to help me too… We just didn’t know back then what we know now about females and Autism.

And so, a lot of the processing I’m doing is looking at my life in hindsight. I have answers for why my childhood, adolescence and early 20s prior to learning how to effectively mask, was so difficult. I know now why I heavily depended on and self-medicated with alcohol (I am almost 32 months sober by the way!) And I’m also trying to figure out now how much to “unmask”. There’s a balance to everything but balance has never been a strength of mine. I’m kind of an all or nothing type of person. Honestly, I dream of being able to show up in the world as just myself without any masking and be accepted.

Unfortunately, I don’t think that is a realistic expectation of today’s society. But, if possible, I’ll settle for being understood.